Why am I a Jew?
What does it mean?
Is a Jew who converts to Christianity still a Jew?
Is a Jew who gets dunked in a mikveh that isn’t properly heckshered — are they a Jew?
Is a Jew who really likes hummus still a Jew? Does it have to be Sabra, or is it sacrilege to like saving a shekel and going for the Trader Joe’s brand, which is clearly inferior from a gastronimic perspective? Or does buying the Trader Joe’s brand provide just further proof of just how Jewish you are?
I only know the answer to last of these vexing questions, and the answer, apparently, is No: a hummus-loving Jew mustn’t really be Jewish. They must really be a Muslim.
Oh, I don’t know who came up with this flowchart, but thank you for giving me a hearty laugh over my Froot Loops this morning.